daily mantra

one day your blood will stop pumping.
one day your lungs will cease to inhale,
exhale.
your eyes will no longer see,
or blink.
nor will your lips move in speech
or tremble to kiss another pair.
your skin will shrivel up and decay.
and your body will grow cold.

repeat this every day to remind yourself to live.

pursue the darkness

if you spend your life pursuing happiness,
not only will you fail
but you will learn nothing. nobody learns from happiness.

pursue the darkness.

the fog

depression is a ceiling of fog that ever-looms above, barely clearing one's head.
the fog,
just low enough
and thick enough,
it forces you under the water (you've been floating in like limbo)
and there is nothing you can do to stop yourself from drowning.

cyclical

I want to reach my arm down my esophagus

into my guts to rip them out; separate them from my body.
I want to hear the connective tissue detach

with a sickening snap.

My guts and I, we're breaking up.
It's not you, its me.
No,
it could be you.
The blood results are in:
infection.
Every organ is sickened.

Still, it could be me.
The brain that never fit the body
The soul ne'er in tune with the world.

And also, I wonder,
if I do this to myself
Out of fear and fickleness; or,
If Fear is in charge
And not myself.

A frightening thought.
Yet also,
Comforting,
To think it's not the real me.
Not me who is infected,
Or wrong for the world
Or making mistakes.

still

across the table, you stare me down
with eyes like distant
planetary bodies;
or a near-earth
born under the pen of a
sci-fi novelist.
a world whose sun,
so close,
creates a blinding white atmosphere
and makes her many seas
glow so breathtakingly blue
people would fight over telescopes
to experience the view.

anxiety is much more than "worrying"

anxiety is

being five and the grown ups laugh
at you for hiding
behind your mothers legs.
but you're just trying to keep away from
the strangers towering over you.

anxiety is

not telling the girl you're
playing pretend with
that she's scratching the skin
off your face
with her long nails.

anxiety is

always being told to speak up
which only makes your
voice go quieter.

anxiety can be

screaming in the face of someone
who doesn't deserve it
because you're just so overwhelmed
you can't handle your feelings.

anxiety is

letting him slowly strip off your clothes
and all you want to do it say "no"
but you
just
can't.

anxiety is always

people telling you
"don't worry"
"just relax"
"just do it"
and it never being that simple.

anxiety is losing friends
over never leaving your bedroom
and never being in a good mood.

anxiety can be

not even being able to sit up in the morning
too crippled with fear
about the day ahead of you.

anxiety is

walking into a crowded room
not being able to move
speak
even
breathe
until you get out
and even then for hours afterward
you still can't think straight.

anxiety is

merely going to a dentist appointment
is more than enough for one day

anxiety can be

people making fun of you for
"always freaking out"
and laughing at your expense.

anxiety can be

holding in your pee for too long
because you literally cannot face
the possibility
of accidentally walking in on someone
or having to wait in line
or even
having to knock on the door,
press your ear close to hear that faiful
"One minute!"

anxiety is

rapid fire, non-stop
cyclical thoughts
about asking your host for a glass of water
but each time you open your mouth to speak
a blockage forms
so instead, you sit,
a perfectly parched guest
and the thought process starts over.

anxiety really is

irrational fear
showing up whenever it wants
never fully leaving you
haunting most every moment of your life
ruining your credibility
and completely crippling you
beyond human recognition.