i exist only in bad thoughts and memories

post title here...

my room is filled with smoke
and heavy perfume
from waterlogged oil
that fills the room.
i am choking on its essence
but it smells divine
and is clouding my head.
i drove 85 miles to this wretched town
and stayed far too long.
in the end it didn't even feel like
the same state.
i returned not in the same body
but now i only have 6 pounds to lose.
not like i'm trying.
i've had the feeling
of doing something
drastic,
destructive
of course to my own body.
but i can't stand to hurt
the one i know who loves me
even though my head wont receive that signal.