university

i feel so opportunistic
yet covered in led
heavy eyelashes weighing down lids

i own an xy chromosome shield
but i'm too weak to put it up.
the FDA put a warning label on my nape
it reads:
caution: rock slide
standing near can result in crushing, serious injury or death.
but my hair makes it hard to see.

i gave out valentines and they all said
fuck off:
if you smile when you think of me you're already dead.

it's hard existing when everything is so worthwhile and satisfying
but completely earth shattering and heartbreaking in the same moment.

a woman lives inside my heart
she lives caged in, but claws at the bars.
sometimes she escapes and wreaks havoc on my insides
i named her "Evil".
she frightens me into submission
and tells me awful things.
she's constantly in heat and easily reproduces
but i have Evil antibodies.
they are often sad and absent,
lethargic and sick,
but after systematic outbreaks, they put her in her place.

only, she's always there,
can only be stopped for a moment.
her madness eats away at her skin
and everyday is a mad struggle to escape her painful confines.
i can hear her enraged screams from time to time
her only target is me.
she is me.
i scream hate at myself from an outer bodied, yet inner bodied place:
i have split in two.
i sink inside myself like hot quicksand
i become her and feel the rage, it feels like arousal
but i feel my outer, physical body cower in pain.

i hear her voice, i hear her voice, i hear her voice.