thoughts as of late

everything in my life is slipping
farther and farther away from my conscious
understanding.

thin, dry lips slick over teeth.
his smile lines look like gyri
mountain ranges
fluffy, pillowy epithelial ridges.
i want to run my fingers over his age lines
like a blind person reading braille,
i could determine his age.
i bet his skin, sensory-sweet
underneath my fingertips
would quench my thirst.
a beautiful but starkly proper figure in my life.

my brain is constantly over-thinking
i connect lips and read eyes, eyebrows, mouths
if they deceive my own emotions
their shape eats away at me for hours.
it's impossible to do anything without
worrying it was wrong.
intimacy tastes sour on my tongue
but i put it upon myself to give it a try.
maybe i'm to expectant of its ease;
i'll never know.
i feel like a boot with worn shoelaces
that keep getting tied, untied and retied.
is my brain subconsciously keeping me from this?
or am i really just surrounded with
nightmares?

today, i faced death
and it made me want to cry-
how can it be, to not exist?
i can't wrap my head around it.