hacker

disinfectant, sanitation
both smell sweet like sugar.

he smells sweet the way gingerbread does
if you catch my drift.

the moon's a glowing petal-ball
the clouds hide it
but i eat it anyway.

it feels like i'm missing something
but the truth is
i'm incapable of love.

synapses aren't connecting in my brain
and you're the key
FUCK FUCK FUCK
i need more blood,
this thirst is killing me.
pressure lost, the flow dies soon after
i don't know you, but
i need your lips to touch mine
i need our chests to touch, where the heart lies
where the heart lies.
my blue skin stretched across sharp ribs
and my inner hunger for you growls
grows, boils
takes over and my common sense and defense
flee in catastrophe.
i just need you, don't be afraid.

often times
i think my brain is out to
destroy me.

i can never wake up

sleep waking

my fatigue cycles endlessly like time
the weather, too, repeats.
the same monologue, the same scene.
a frightening prospect; perpetual time
unsure, a foreshadowing storm

what is it that consumes me?
that hinders my satisfaction
my trust or ability
to open up.
i'm so fragile and
no one even knows it.
my cranial chemistry is broken
attraction files burned and destroyed

this is a message to you
a broadcast for a 2 mile radius:
don't get your emotion strings attached
i don't have ventricles for you
to tie them to.

he's a tangible individual
how mind blowing!

have patience with me

standing at the precipice
it's a mental dock
i fall face first
into the ocean of
doubts and overactive heart byproducts.
like paper falling
i curl back and forth
endlessly, gracefully
to the murky bottom
the climate matched perfectly with personality
and i can sit lotus and never break to breathe
the surface is just glistening hope, unreachable
a fisher's net of christmas lights
the sun's refraction on salt crystals.
when i reach towards it
i'm reaching towards the sun (indirectly)
my stretching body a javelin,
my torso a bird's feather or a
serrated knife
i want it so bad but my lotus keeps me grounded
my body can't decide whether to uncurl or
lie flat.

pure fucking beauty

his eyelashes, petrified flames
licking just beneath the brow;
crystalline soldiers standing at attention;
tongue twistingly-sweet rock candy
amber towers, ashy pillars
they've already crushed me

element

wintertime.
can't remember the last time
i wasn't wearing this coat
it smells divine:
sweet with smoke

electronic music makes me
homesick
but also
you-sick

REM

my heart swells
and pumps a fresh gush of blood
rushing past my ears
it's the sound of cities crumbling.

the candle top,
it's milky aluminum.
the cigarette's cherry
glows bright, dim
bright, dim
almost like the beating of a heart
and its reflection,
though softened
glows heartily among the ashes
the orange-red tethering me to earth.

the window's open and it's wintertime.
temp in the twenties
but all i feel is warmth
the incense burn has my third eye tingling
and all the tea light candles;
a dewy glow in the unfocused background

never more relaxed, more at home.
i saw you and fire lit my eyes
a tether binds our fates

water intake

i feel like i should be crucified
without the nails
while my heart is sacrificed

i feel like there's
fairy dust beneath my feet
keeping me afloat

nothing will work out

the past is beyond comprehension
useless
intangible
something you can never visit.

and the future
impossible to predict

so why would anyone live in anything
but the present?

this is the stress house
every nerve quakes with fear
blood vessels burst and
i can just hear the clock,
tick-tock of an aneurysm
and every voice is barking anger
no wonder why it's fear number one

his very being
casts me under the spell of
cardiomyopathy
and its so sweet, its sickening
yet
devastating, infuriating
for i have no trust
no hope
and nausea for the deals.

attraction
gravitational pull towards it.
you shun it.

geryon

clarity, now.
it's not my desire to fix something
not my main objective, at least.
it's a desire
to be there for someone
while they are suffering
to assure them they aren't alone
to provide soothing, physical contact
in hopes it will make them feel better.

in other news
i'm weighed down
cowering under this dense and bloated
weathercloud
overflowing with an emotion i can't
understand or name.
i ponder on the thought:
should i purse it?
while my defenses attack it
rip it to shreds
bury it and
i tell myself to forget about it.

because i know
for a fact
that it's just going to rain on me.

cats

no wonder why i grew up
to be so fucked up

disenchanted

he is my winter
and i am his summer.
the scent of the carcinogen smoke
makes my heart pull my soul
by the hand
away from my body
and i am spliced into two opposing human beings.
i can close my eyes
and picture perfect
all peach and red,
there he stands.
i have never felt something so strongly
in my life.

slain

i don't get it
stunned;
all my muscle tone
or skeletal stability
simply melts
and i roll back
head hanging backwards over the chair
84 bpm
i giggle and it sounds like insanity.

--

today i'll have to
rip apart my entire
face
claw my nails to simulate stability
my fingers as puppet strings
my face is hollow like a marionette
thin undereyes almost gray
sickly, at least
vein ridden.
i need to hold onto something
to stay awake
my hair roots prove good company,
emit pheromones and heighten
outer appearances.

I rode home leisurely
first just reveling in the
feeling of floating
as i drifted through the thin air
across the pavement.
the feeling, not new but
certainly improved,
almost alien,
was confusing, frightening
but pleasing.

i pass the meadow
where the warm, golden sun
called out to my daydreams this morning.
and i yearn for it as it
begs for my contact.

the rapid descent down the hill
i gather the feeling.
an uplifting tingling in my core
and coupled with
high speeds, fierce winds and
f a l l i n g,
the joyride bathed me in
so much ecstasy that it
hid this strange emotion.

and i've never seen such a strange sight
as when the low gear truck
carried its counterpart atop its back
while the schizophrenic sunlight
makes life seem unreal, like a dream
and that's how the afterlife is perceived.

300

exhausted and
constantly, constantly
spiraling.
multitudes of emotion
one decisions then the next;
opposites.
cranial shut down
the mandible still workable
the brain a stringy bubblegum mess.
beer that smells like bread
it's homely and sweet on your taste buds
but you caress it like a time bomb.
up and down
never sure of anything
never motivated or ground breaking

i've got a lot to say
it just never makes it past
cherry red, irritated
chapped and searing lips
from acidic, salty moisture replacement.

constant, growing mind
infinite learning
infinitely spacious and
expandable.
it evolves everyday
and tonight burns alight
centered corneal
it melts from such intense dismay.