i got it back

reality is painful.
i can live half-asleep
in my fabricated memory,
happily.
i pretend it's all the same and bury the hurt
but substance appears
sharp and loud
and steals me from my
reverie
into the conscious real world.

having too many thoughts is my
one flaw
and lately they've been devouring my brain
-a hole the size of my heart
-a hole the size of his head
but it's not thoughts of him
that butcher your mind
but philosophies unexplained.

light burns my retina
and when my eyes roll backward from fatigue
i see the moon.

october destroys my comfortable
outer-shell of joy
and leaves my honest insides exposed.
they're raw and desecrated,
depressed
a sorry mess
humiliating and ugly
and i am exposed as how i truly feel.
october, it's where my love lies, but
it's so cold
unforgiving
and strips me of any hope of feeling
happy or normal.
(but the fire-trees and golden sun
fill my torso cavity with beauty
and i feel like crying,
so full with pressure)

i've been deprived
so long
and now it's all flooding
back to me.
i can feel it tingle in my
fingertips
100 tiny diamonds
vibrating beneath my skin
their sharp edges pierce from the inside,
out.
microscopic blood seeps from pierced pores
and my creativity smears as words on the page.
i truly believe my veins pump ink
and my skin is
made of paper.
i lacerate my own integument to check
and arrive disappointed.
but it regenerates my outer-shell
:evolutionary-metaphoric-science: