destroyed

i feel used.
used up, worn out.
i am deteriorating.
i am toxic, i am a disease.
i just want to waste away.
sometimes normal, but
underneath it all i'm just
suffering.
i hope his thoughts
don't breed laughter and
do not lower me.
even after all this time
i cannot make it through.
it's utter devastation but
also seething rage that consumes
my entire life and it is
just
not
fair.
i love purely,
open-endedly and fully
and this is why i get in return
this is what i
deserve?
now my brain, off kilter
will never let this happen again,
shuts down, reboots, goes haywire.
i want and want and want,
browse like window shopping and
touch with dirty hands, smudging fingerprints,
pathetically,
but any touch or inclination
sends me writhing in pain and disgust.
as if
i desire, and desire to be desired
but the act of being desired offends me.
if you're a male,
stay the fuck away from me.
all i can do is hurt you and crush
all your hope away. and i,
i cannot befriend anyone
for all i'm capable of becoming
is
disappointed.