house paint
stained skin
lead poisoning

destroyed

i feel used.
used up, worn out.
i am deteriorating.
i am toxic, i am a disease.
i just want to waste away.
sometimes normal, but
underneath it all i'm just
suffering.
i hope his thoughts
don't breed laughter and
do not lower me.
even after all this time
i cannot make it through.
it's utter devastation but
also seething rage that consumes
my entire life and it is
just
not
fair.
i love purely,
open-endedly and fully
and this is why i get in return
this is what i
deserve?
now my brain, off kilter
will never let this happen again,
shuts down, reboots, goes haywire.
i want and want and want,
browse like window shopping and
touch with dirty hands, smudging fingerprints,
pathetically,
but any touch or inclination
sends me writhing in pain and disgust.
as if
i desire, and desire to be desired
but the act of being desired offends me.
if you're a male,
stay the fuck away from me.
all i can do is hurt you and crush
all your hope away. and i,
i cannot befriend anyone
for all i'm capable of becoming
is
disappointed.

6months to the day

i
orbit around him in
order to
observe his tendencies
determine his
disposition and
calculate his
character
as my interests
as photosynthesis
blossom.

i got it back

reality is painful.
i can live half-asleep
in my fabricated memory,
happily.
i pretend it's all the same and bury the hurt
but substance appears
sharp and loud
and steals me from my
reverie
into the conscious real world.

having too many thoughts is my
one flaw
and lately they've been devouring my brain
-a hole the size of my heart
-a hole the size of his head
but it's not thoughts of him
that butcher your mind
but philosophies unexplained.

light burns my retina
and when my eyes roll backward from fatigue
i see the moon.

october destroys my comfortable
outer-shell of joy
and leaves my honest insides exposed.
they're raw and desecrated,
depressed
a sorry mess
humiliating and ugly
and i am exposed as how i truly feel.
october, it's where my love lies, but
it's so cold
unforgiving
and strips me of any hope of feeling
happy or normal.
(but the fire-trees and golden sun
fill my torso cavity with beauty
and i feel like crying,
so full with pressure)

i've been deprived
so long
and now it's all flooding
back to me.
i can feel it tingle in my
fingertips
100 tiny diamonds
vibrating beneath my skin
their sharp edges pierce from the inside,
out.
microscopic blood seeps from pierced pores
and my creativity smears as words on the page.
i truly believe my veins pump ink
and my skin is
made of paper.
i lacerate my own integument to check
and arrive disappointed.
but it regenerates my outer-shell
:evolutionary-metaphoric-science:

dating is a disgusting culturalized ritual

death

i need someone to hold
so that i wont be so afraid
of slipping away

boy, was i mistaken

heureuse sans toi

vile, putrid
shit show, scumbag
shit-headed loser.
no one even
sparks up about you,
none of their hearts warm
at the thought of you,
at least anymore.
not even the mutant you pursue,
and this is why you're named
as previously stated.

i should
get off my high horse, but
nothing's gone wrong
as of yet
but everything is promising to be
the best it ever was.
i've got three pending targets
while one blips on the radar.
this week ends and my homestead beings
the nostalgia will hit full force
and a blanket of love will keep me warm
while the night drops below zero.
the next week will end
with an event i'll never forget
and each day in between
and each day subsequent
will leave me with pinched corners
tickling my cheeks
and full breath in my lungs
as i breathe life.