happy

‘When you kill someone,
a little part of yourself dies.’

how i feel, sometimes.
i destroyed who he
originally was
and now in his place is
something drastic and
horrible.
maybe it's his own
personality flaws but
i look at him now and see
someone else.
it sickens me to even think about it,
because it feels like
the past two years of my life
were a waste.
sometimes, i beg for things to
reverse, go back to normal
to when everything was easy and
predictable.
but often i can sit back and
smile
because my life is much better now
and i am so much happier...:

my newfound scent blows back at me
and my legs burn fierce
in an act that hasn't occurred
in what seems like forever.
the top of Beech Hill
smells like Deb's car,
familiarity.
lately, my bag is filled with
dunkin donuts wrappers
and safety glasses.
it's my "new normal".
it's not the way i wish things were
but it makes me happy
regardless.

i really am ok,
except for two degrading events;
when his figure appears before my eyes
and when i'm stuck with thoughts
late at night, eyes closed.
at least i'm much better than i was before
and i no longer need him in
any way.
sometimes, i wish we could be friends
but, i fear, still, i would not be able
to handle it.
and maybe that's ok because
who he is now disgusts me and
deserves the label:
scumbag.