happy

‘When you kill someone,
a little part of yourself dies.’

how i feel, sometimes.
i destroyed who he
originally was
and now in his place is
something drastic and
horrible.
maybe it's his own
personality flaws but
i look at him now and see
someone else.
it sickens me to even think about it,
because it feels like
the past two years of my life
were a waste.
sometimes, i beg for things to
reverse, go back to normal
to when everything was easy and
predictable.
but often i can sit back and
smile
because my life is much better now
and i am so much happier...:

my newfound scent blows back at me
and my legs burn fierce
in an act that hasn't occurred
in what seems like forever.
the top of Beech Hill
smells like Deb's car,
familiarity.
lately, my bag is filled with
dunkin donuts wrappers
and safety glasses.
it's my "new normal".
it's not the way i wish things were
but it makes me happy
regardless.

i really am ok,
except for two degrading events;
when his figure appears before my eyes
and when i'm stuck with thoughts
late at night, eyes closed.
at least i'm much better than i was before
and i no longer need him in
any way.
sometimes, i wish we could be friends
but, i fear, still, i would not be able
to handle it.
and maybe that's ok because
who he is now disgusts me and
deserves the label:
scumbag.

keys

spring 2009,
i haven't breathed since
and neither has nature
for the warmth and wonder
died early this year.

perfect description

"i'm lost"

come find me.

poetry slowly dwindled away

24 hour reset.
my chest quaked
and contracted with such intensities that i
for a second, thought it was
tetanus.
time passes slower than it
seems.
still,
my biological clock has
filled to a point where it should
empty its parts into my open palm.
i enjoy the adventures
lust has taken me on but,
at times it covers my skin
in a thin, imagined sheet of dirt
and i wonder if he'll shudder at the
thought.
i can't even think about touching lips
after his tirade with her but,
i suppose i shouldn't worry
because he'll never accept this faulty
wiring back.
he's so good at ignoring my existence that
i don't believe he ever
gives me a thought
even when my scents and skin particles
swirl in spirals above his mouth.
then again
it turns out i'm easily
ignorable
for the third time, now.
i've got a three course meal
awaiting my consumption, but
i'm still full from the hors d'oeuvres
and my thoughts are beginning to become
foreign to even myself.
near the end of next month will be
the half-year mark
and i can't even believe it.
because i still feel like half a person
i still can't recognize myself
in the mirror, because it's just me.
losing yourself, you take on
the personalities of those around you
until you've forgotten who you were
and you don't even know yourself.
so many questions still unanswered
but it's too late now and
my body is done with arguing.

and after all this time
i don't even know who you
are.

here we go again

the man looked very
canine
as his lips peeled away from his teeth
to reveal a sharp smile.

my fatigue rains so hard that my
vision skips
like
self-induced bliss.
the more iron,
the more opposite the
effect.

every time you sit back and
sigh,
smile and agree with your innards,
that you're happy,
a turnstile smashes into your mood
and spins it upside down.

what do i want?
familiarity or joy.
certain catastrophe or
thoughts of what
could be.

who is you

every embarrassment
ill-feeling
secret or mistake
can still lead to longing,
but why?
staring too particularly
at least today
and it's all over.
(the end or completely throughout?)
eye contact.
you stare back at
your speaker
but see his eyes trace back
if only for a second.
he must have been looking
in order to catch
or was it just
coincidence?

this is never ending
and today,
that makes you smile.

anatomy

obicularis oris quivering
simply, my lips
the lightest sweeping
motions
like a broom-whipped maiden
laden in rags, weeping.
with ease, i mumble, whisper,
i love absolutely
everything
about you.
his omohyoid muscle
moves underneath the thin skin of my
lips
as he smiles to say,
i feel the exact same
way.
and it's almost like an
indirect kiss
the muscles that control his lips
rubbing beneath the skin
against my own blood ridden,
thin epithelius.

sourpatch

maybe if i
peel off multiple
layers of skin from my
face
i will indeed become
a different person
and all my troubles will
erase.

eye opener

haven't felt this way
in a while.
finally content.
i now realize what i
mistook as happiness was
something dark and
misconstrued.
horrible,
but revealed, now.

K;
conscience, sound and thought
spiraling at me
into my eyes
and they in turn
drill into everything
and strengthen my focus
but empty my limbs.

am i weak
for holding on
or strong?

knee itch

"describe your life in one word"
unbearable.
inbearable.
doesn't matter which way you
spin in
rather,
tongue it.
it's almost like
everywhere i turn
i must turn back again,
but it's unfair to place the blame
on any name.

how can all the politicians in that room
be so passionate about life?
maybe if everyone just gave up
we'd all be better off.
people buy guns because they
care too much.

then again
if you lose all ability to care
all that's left is hate and
desperation.

first, i attacked.
then i attempted
and now, i ignore
i forget
because it's the easiest of all three.

ear canal

those who eat up
cliche sayings like
vitamins,
well, they have it right.
roller coaster emotions
perhaps it's just depression
or bipolar, or both
they seem to make a dashing
couple.
as long as you don't dramatize it,
there's no need to panic,
get nervous or
say a word.

who (k)new?

i'm not that...
crazy. i'm just a little...
angry. please don't be
afraid, i'm just reacting
to chemicals and science
the way humans should
react. introduce myself to
this catalyst, i'll shake her hand
but never get friendly.
but here's reality, dear enemy
you shelter her from
who you were, and who you still
are. it's: nervous and
embarrassed, what you feel
and maybe you lie
and wonder why
but you just need to
l e t g o.

i am fire burning outrageously
and i can be a little
self absorbed
especially when there are creatures
with interest in me.
i am perfectly imperfect
and that's so cliche but true
and myself, i adore imperfections and
flaws to a hurtful degree.

if everything could go back in time,
i wouldn't mind
but it's not like i don't love my life
now,
it's just i don't like
change.

and
no matter how many new friends
i acquire
my love grows, thickens and
multiplies to a point where
i love each individual equally,
fully
even after the "first date".
if i didn't have discretion i would
tell them all how much i was
in love.

i think i am ok.

oil burner

just a teddy bear
on a lawn chair.
unidentified flying object
rather,
unnecessarily frilly ox.
everything is ok
like some strange turn of events
that never came.

1hr40, impossible!

i wish i could just
disassemble my
entire fucking body
in order for my conscience to
disappear
in order to obliterate my
thoughts.
it's hard to still want something
you wish would just go away.

it's hard when you're faced
with an emotion you can't describe,
have never heard of..
again, if it could disappear
it would be for the best
but when the time comes for
lives to part 16 different ways
you're not sure if you can
let
everything
go.