self hate prevalent

i don't care what any of you say
this is never ever ever going to change.
words were better with heart still intact.
can't really explain any of this with
justice or beauty or poise.
freaking out because i
count the days without sight, but i
freak out because i count the days until
i must face it again.
my entire life, a paradox,
a conflict.
all of this is bullshit.
so much pain i can never sleep
i can't smile without it
faltering and my thoughts
are never kind.

i should ask
what you're going to do when
school starts and you're
separated but,
i'm sure you'll have the perfect answer.

i just want everything to disappear
this whole year is stress heaven and
i fear my head may explode.

they say you'll look back and realize
it was never what you thought it was.
i say i'll never let this happen again
and they say, everyone else says that, too.
i learn from my mistakes.
primitive instinct makes you stay away
from things that hurt you
and this is no different.

when you realize you can never be happy again
what exactly are you supposed to do?