omgpleasehelp

can't keep doing this every night
it's destroying me.

falling apart more each day
a rag doll ripping at the seams
the sand that fills me slowly drains
and my animated face sags in ghastly humility.
i am inwardly screaming
in a silent plea
pain sizzling off of me from the heat
just bounces off my hard outer shell
trapped inside, never coming out.
i'm too proud
and too scared
to say anything face to face
or more accurately,
text to text
for perhaps i know the ultimate outcome.

he's been gone for too long
a foreigner, now
you can barely remember
the memories you share
and any thought of him seems
ludicrous
and so far away...
almost like none of it ever
happened in the first place.
it's almost funny,
almost.

any kind of reunion would be
asinine and futile
awkward and uncomfortable
not do-able, refuse-able
happily avoidable and impossible.
but each night in bed
your mind regresses and your entire body
screams for him
and you wonder if it will ever stop
if everything will return back to
"normal"
if it could ever be the same and
oh, God, please please
please
i don't know if i can live this way
i don't know if i can win this battle
i can't see myself doing it
this is all too much...

reunion, impossible
friendship, impossible
moving on, impossible

where else is there to go?