ice cream

still
you smell of her
at least you think
but maybe you just smell like your old self
and it brings back memories.

you think you don't really want this
you're just lonely
and you have the choice
of not being it
but you just can't bring yourself
to settle.

weights

at the thought
like dialing a call
and never receiving a voice
"at the tone, please record your message"

you produce a smile
so wide and seemingly joyful
that is honestly filled with
sadness, regret, wonder and defeat
you don't know how it comes to life

to think of something
as sad as this
and be able
to smile like you are genuinely happy
must be some sort of
twisted talent

you're not covering anything up
you're not faking

laughing heartily at your own
complete disaster and misery.

you don't know.

disconcerting thoughts

why do you smell like her?
everyday for the past few days
you've had images
memories and thoughts
produced in the corners
of your mind and eyes

never would you say this
out loud.

you can't want such a thing back
because of new people
old words
and what happened in the past

it would be like
dirtying yourself
fucking a virgin
killing in front of a child:
destroying innocence.

smell is most linked to memory
and this one makes you nostalgic
and weighs down your eyes.

you're going crazy.
you gave up on one bad habit
and took up an old one.

people know not your own intentions
and you know not of his
just one, not many.

and so you gave up
and you don't know if that makes you
a bad person or not.

you just want.
you wonder and you wait
and never act or be acted upon

you just close your eyes and smell your skin
and think of past times
when things were so simply complicated
and made sense
in their own fucked up way.

donedonedone

turn yourself inside out.
make your sweet skin bitter,
tongues on tissue and organs

anger, again
instead of sorrow.
maybe you're defective

give up now
just like before
and, you're sure
just like the many times
that will follow.

you don't know
what he wants
and you'll never bother to ask

because you don't want
to know
but you do.

you're such a divided person
split, maybe.

you know you'll never
accept love where it's given.
every time it is
you give it away.

it's happened all but once
but it's never spoken of

and you're just a machine
on repeat
heart monitor for a
coma patient
or a child learning
a song.

maybe you have a lust for being destroyed.
you set yourself up
to be picked apart.
thrown around.

shut the fuck up.
let self hate engulf you.
all it ever did was better you

and that's pathetic
but also lovely.

in your head; a phrase
chanted over and over
a mix of
"give up and get out"

and you wish to live by it,
obey it,
but you know things will never change
and you'll always notice
in black and white
figures swimming in your peripheral
vision

soft face

at a loss.

who cares

they're disgusted with you
and make you feel
disgusted with yourself

someone cleared the sand out

a list of pros and cons,
or the anthem
of anything young
decaying in their mind.

to love everything
about a person
but one small thing

everyone sings it out
silently
through red rimmed mouths
and ones that are
sewed shut
or
lipsticked with lies

grapes floating in
grape juice.
as if to offset the concentrate
as if to re-flavor a flavor.

people say
never give up.
and it's funny,
because you're not.
unless you consider insanity
the cure for giving up;
the vaccine.

everyone wants what they can't have
and you can't have this
but you have it in your grasp.

it's true.
you know it.
because anyway it's going to go
you'll never have ill feelings for it
you'll just smile and
wish for the best.

the sandmand missed my eyes and filled my mind

look down.
you see dark things
and you're open.
you're a million pieces
scattered

but up,
in the light
you're condensed.
molecules in the cold.
a solid.

lately
you're not the same.
your vision skips
like before,
but so unlike before

and you feel imbalanced.
upside down,
like if you were made of
water in a bottle;
when turned inside out
or flipped around
the water would stay in place.

a constant rate
of falling
at 0 mph.
suspended but
weighed down.

wear your feelings,
not on your sleeve
or in your eyes
but around your neck
concealed
and heavy.

acronyms

10x older smiles
touch sensitive skin
shutters and
bright evening suns

empty minds
watchful eyes

metal
titanium
stainless
niobium

running
running
..water?

close

cut open your neck
shove the vinyl in
the plate full of
dreams
let it play through your mind
let the images flourish
the music blast
and the needle skip.

blast outside yourself
observe from
above and
behind

float inches away
shake your vision

hang on strings
controlled by those
who you love
you're their puppet
and they swing you around
and you hope a bone will break
to get you out of hell
free.

thoughts never make sense
when eyes
burn
dry.

one for every day

boiled up
someone dropped you in
to the new pot
the new cauldron
the cast iron cookware

you are mixed up
with the bubbles
pushed around
in a whirlwind

the simmering pot on the burner
next to you
cooks up contrasting colors
blues and oranges
yellows and purples

you leave it be to watch
the fireworks explode

in your own
mess
there's no one to
blame
but you

blushing

someone
stirred up the cauldron again
and you couldn't be
happier.
or
warmer
in the face.

vanilla

the girl
fell in love with dying
and loves
living

eliminate

inside the cage,
body motionless.
but inside
your head
is a top,
spinning and whizzing
lighting up with color
thrashing against the walls

it sounds fun
but in reality,
it's a mess.


you would participate,
but you're under circumstances
created by yourself
under the influence
of your mind

every orifice an open wound
because every opening
to you
is just another place
for someone to get in to.

enclosure

on display
caged beauty
lit up with golden lights
inside a glass box

thrashing against the sides
the glass doesn't even
smudge

people watch
the destruction
and the
creation

if you had taken the time
to lift your eyes
today
people would have seen
an ancient battle
of arrows and beasts
against a modern battle
of ships, tanks and
bombs.

maybe everyone
mistook the bombs exploding
for sparks
of joy and intellect
in your eyes.

you

just
don't
want
to
be
yourself

you
wanna
be
someone
else

what's going through your head?

nailed to a cross
you wish anyone
and maybe someone
specific
knew exactly how you were feeling

but hopes are just
empty wishes

one choice
is everything you ever wanted
and everything you should have

the other:
everything you don't want
everything you hate

and yet
you want the one
that will cause you the most
pain

.

curled up
you wish to talk to someone
anyone different

and in reality
you wish you could just
talk to yourself

but who listens
to a person who happily pleads
insanity?

destroy

in too deep
mistakes have been made

you're getting that feeling again
to light up your insides
burn yourself,
skin yourself

because you feel so fucking
uncomfortable in your own
body

today
thoughts pounding your head
like atoms
excited.
and a concentration
making your vision
multiply, divide, tunnel
making just your feet
and the path they were taking
visible

and yet
you don't remember
being any more tired.

backseat lovers

the scene:
three boys, three girls

two kiss: one in love and the other
in lies

a boy off to the side
gasps as his world is destroyed

two others fight
and the last
she feels a surge of hope
and yet
sadness

and in this moment
all the lights explode
and shower them in sparks

the road is clouded in mist

red room.
bright inside.
but the dark pounds at the windows
rain lashes
and winds howl.

you look up
to a light that isn't on
and your brain starts to shake,
vibrate.
you feel like you should be
answering a call.

you doubt yourself
more than anytime before
and you can't tell if it's
fear or
realization

it's truly ridiculous
to file things under
sections in your brain
but it happens

and though places are left forgotten,
crevices in your mind
not swept up
dust-covered
desolate.
there are things still hiding there
shadowed and quiet
they tip-toe to keep you asleep

but sometimes
they'll carry themselves too heavy
and they send a wave through your head.
your eyes open:
curtains in an open window
during late spring.
they flutter,
a spark lights them up

you think back to the past
to things you wish to forget
let go of,
but can't

there is still someone there,
who will always be there
to make your head shake
during the dark night

even though there's someone
right by your side, now
to quiet your tremors.

you chose a long time ago
whose path to take.
but there has always been a side road
winding along beside your current route,
much more dark and dangerous
and much more tempting

and everyday
when the trees part
and it comes into view,
you almost step a foot onto it

but don't.

sticky hands

maybe they would stick together

when blue lights flash
in blue eyes
you'll never see anything more
wonderful.

you sometimes evaporate outside yourself
and you can feel and see and hear
everything
and yet
your vision focuses on one thing

tonight
a glow
illuminating
just enough.

sticky mouths...

time

he makes you wish
time would just stop
and encase you
in a bubble
made of water and glass
where everyone was suspended
in cars
and in movement

where the wheel was in the backseat
and cars were backwards
but brought life back to full spin

everyone would float
midair
it would be sunset all the time
the sky covered
with yellow, orange, gold

and the light would catch
on your bubbles of time
to create lens flares
and make your world sparkle

because the moment you pop it
step out of it
you see the world
is really all gray and decaying
destroyed and horrible
and time is cruel

it ages infants
introduces them to responsibility
and a lack of innocence

time ends lives
creates fatigue and
hunger

and it never
ends.

pupil, iris, corneas, everything

everything reverts back to eyes
they show you everything

yours are dry
burning white hot
and red.
maybe the sandman
sprinkles too much sand
into your eyes when you sleep

you're still haunted by some
ones with deep circles

and the others you look into
you never want to stop
seeing

maybe you should just
drown yourself in them
to stop the madness

his eyes are your entire life
summarized