too high up

all of this is deja vous [not deja vu]
"already you."
you know you've done this before
you can foresee all that comes
you know their every word

it's all so familiar
it should be comforting.
yet it's not.

first, time skips, like every time
but after; your throat
it wants to rip itself from you
move on somewhere else

or maybe
it's the words that want out.
all of them held up
in your head
buzzing like mad bees on glass
the hard interior of your skull
nesting in cerebellums
and lobes and glands.

mouth partched
gum feels like hammers on your teeth
and no matter how horrid it sounds
you love it.

everything..
life, it seems to all start
from between thighs
and under abdomens
all the warmth in your body flows inward
to one spot, and you thrive there.
it seems like you're being sucked in
to the medium on your body
to the core where everything starts
where life starts
where you wish it would not
but it's all so warm
for a moment you're stuck in it
upside down
and unborn again.
but,

under the bright lights
and the boys and their sounds
you sit without movement
heaven is pounding not at your doorstep
but your ears
your head
you're pinned to the seat you're in.
everything is weighing down on you
you just wish to sleep.

at the same time
you're floating off somewhere
the outside of the infinite universe
looking in on all that inhabits
floating forwards and to the side
forever going, but never lifting off

you see the world and how it really is:
tiny humans in capsules
all reliving the same day
over and over again.
each assigned to their own scene
in someones life

for you, it's a peak you can't come down from
and for everyone:
they're all at the end of their scenes
when the scene ends, they end
yet
the deja vu kicks in
and it's all replayed back
from the back of a movie theater
films rollings and clicking
and they're all just living sometimes
feeling like they're at the end of their scene

and they feel like
this is it.

but it's not.

and when you finally lay to rest
not lay to rest
but to sleep, to start over
you feel all your past nightmares
nightmares as a child
all rise up, from your heart
to you eyes
and you should be scared, but you're not
you feel refreshed
born again, to face your fears.

and we're all just
reliving.